How To Dominate At A Ducks vs. Kings Game At Staples – An Essential Primer
By Editorial Staff
With the season mere moments away and a preseason matchup at Staples on the 28th, I felt that this issue needed to be addressed.
We, as Ducks fans, need to step it up a notch. No, no, I’m not talking about setting police cars on fire or looting shoe stores or terrifying bus passengers – that we will leave up to Lakers fans.
I’m talking about standing up for ourselves, for our team, for our dignity.
Now then, here are the rules.
Appearance is vital. You definitely want to make certain you look better than everyone around you. Your jersey is freshly laundered, your jeans do not have holes in them and your shoes don’t look like someone threw up on them (not yet, anyway).
Concession areas, outside, etc. As we all know, this is where the free-for-all activities occur. The occasional dust up (usually during the second intermission when the lines to the men’s rooms get a little long), high fiving your compadres as they hoist their overpriced beers, unfortunately witnessing an inappropriately attired bimboid vomiting into a garbage can, pointing and laughing at anyone wearing a Calamari or Frolov jersey…but the real goal is to find Bailey, The Duck Hunter, or – optimally – both.
I went to The Draft incognitus (I know what it means) and witnessed an abomination. A Ducks fan being harassed by the Kings mascot and not fighting back at all. I was pissed off. Bailey was mime laughing at the guy, waving his tail at him, etc. I got so mad I walked up on the guy and said “Aren’t you a Ducks fan? Are you just gonna stand there and take that from a stuffed animal!?!?!” The guy was a total pussy and an embarrassment to all of us friends of the waterfowl and dude, if you’re reading this, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Fortunately, I know exactly how to chase Bailey away! If you are wearing your Ducks garb, just walk up on him with a big smile on your face and try to hug him. He’ll run like his tail is on fire.
As for the Duck Hunter, it depends on whether or not he is alone or has his posse in tow. If he’s alone, just give him a long, appraising look, up and down as if you’re trying to decide if what you’re looking at is a piece of garbage and say, “Hmmm…I’ll deal with you later,” and walk away. However, if his boyos are with him, prepare to be mocked rather roundly. I find that a 120db “WHERE’S YOU’RE CUP?” works rather well to shut them up.
Inside, how you behave is entirely dependant on where your seats are. If you are in an upper corner where your head is scraping the ceiling, the louder you yell, the better. Be sure to you are loud enough to override everyone around you with shouts of “Kings Suck!” during the alternate chant. When (not “IF”) the Ducks score, if Kings fans start flinging popcorn at you, catch it, eat it and thank them. This will further infuriate them and give you the giggles.
Glass seats? Get ready to rumble. Players practice really, really hard to ignore the fans, but don’t be fooled, they do notice us wiseacres. Pointing and laughing is more effective than you might imagine. Oh, and if you’re near the bench or the penalty box, they can hear you, so choose your words wisely. Also, when the Ducks score, stand, turn around and be sure to conduct the booing that will be hurled your way. If you are the only Ducks fan in your section, Bailey may escort you to security where you will be told that they are concerned that people may start throwing things at you. If that happens, just say that they’ve been throwing stuff at you since the beginning of the game and you’d be a Kings fan if they didn’t suck so badly. Site a favourite player (Kopitar is a good choice) and they’ll send you back to your seat.
Club Level/Apartment Suites. Everyone’s so nice that even I have difficulty getting in any serious mocking. When a waiter is offering you a cheese plate and a glass of Barolo, it’s hard to get mad at the Kings fans around you. Unless someone pokes fun at my Jiggy jersey, I’ll keep it on the downlow and limit myself to sotto voce “so, where’s your Cup?” type comments.
Oh I’m on my way to the hockey game
The only place where I feel sane
Where I may be cold
But I’ll never grow old
And never get bored
Oh I’m on my way to the hockey game
To see potentials for the hall of fame
The Brutal Ballet
Where the Ducks will slay
And the Kings are gonna get filleted!